


Double Play

by InterNutter



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Inseperability, Simple Idiot Wizard my foot, Twin Tricks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-27 21:56:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13257402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InterNutter/pseuds/InterNutter
Summary: When there's only room for one, two come anyway. Lup has won a scholarship and the twins make sure that they both get an education. The only trick is making certain no-one else finds out that there's two of them.





	Double Play

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The Adventure Zone and the Balance Arc belong to the McElroys. I just torture people with words.
> 
> AN: This is a departure from my usual continuity, where the twins win mutual grants to go to New Elfington College.

 

The twins clung to each other as Administrator Tappas spelled out the details of the grant. “We can only afford one placing, unfortunately. It’s a crying shame, too, because the two of you were merely one grade apart. Lup… you scored a perfect three hundred. Taako… two ninety-nine. Given the budgetary constraints and limits to our resources after the wars… I’m sorry. Lup gets the grant. We… can’t afford to take Taako as well.”

There was anger. There was fear. They fell to their shared language to discuss this.

“ _This is a great chance,_ ” said Taako.

“ _Like fuck am I leaving you behind,_ ” murmured Lup.

“ _So we do the two for one sale. It's not like we have a chance for me any time soon._ ”

Lup groaned. “ _You and I both fucking hate the two for one sale. We both starve and it’s hell._ ”

“ _What other choice have we got?_ ”

Lup didn't have any other options. “Ugh. Fine. Just… let us prepare?”

Administrator Tappas consulted his pocket watch. “You can have an hour. And then our coach will be leaving.”

 

* * *

 

 

Lup was sour-faced as she climbed into the coach with what little she possessed. She was silent and sullen. Close-mouthed and grumpy about having to leave her brother behind. She remained that way for the entire week-long trip to New Elfington College.

Or at least… it seemed like Lup.

And it seemed very effectively like Lup, because the twins had been pulling this scam for over a hundred years. They were almost identical. It took an expert eye to tell them apart when they put effort into it. And they were certainly putting effort into it now. They took turns at taking meals, and the public appearances. While one was visible, the other hid from all detection until they found a chance to swap.

That was the easy part. The hard part was Taako adopting all of Lup’s telltale mannerisms. Imitating her voice, and disguising any subtle differences between the two of them.

Just like they made the Nosegay of Holding in their teens, they crafted a small piece of jewelry that could disguise Taako to look exactly like Lup. He already had the ability to mimic her voice, and so that part of the spell was left off. The spell could hold for a day and would charge for a day. Perfect for their purposes.

And for the rest… there was Blink.

Lup had to do all the physicals, of course. She was underweight. Natch. Because the twins had spent basically their entire lives in Starvation Town with brief respites in Feastville. Too  brief, really. The medics and clerics involved in her welfare recommended a specific diet to help her gain nutrition and not just weight, though weight was also a factor. And, then they gave her a card worth double meal tokens.

“The fuck are these?” she asked.

They explained. The homeless were a huge problem around New Elfington, as they were just about everywhere, what with the continuing fallout of the ended wars. Be they veterans with broken minds or exiles with broken hearts, they simply could not afford to have the destitute living off of the bounty meant for those bettering themselves. Budgets were, after all, limited.

So each token was worth one full meal. In Lup’s case, a large plate, a dessert, and an ample beverage. All so that nothing was wasted and everyone got what they needed.

And it sounded very fair until she saw the cafeteria.

Where well-fed students were eating half their meals or less and tossing the rest into bins.

“That all goes to the needy, right?” asked Lup.

“Uuuuh,” said her guide. A more advanced student with the name of Calzone. “No. You see… we can’t really encourage things like the homeless staying on the campus? Because loads of them are violent and stuff? So… Uhm. They… they tip some poison into it and mix it up so that nobody wants to eat it.” Then Calzone tried to paint a brighter picture. “It all gets mulched for the College gardens, though. So nothing is wasted.”

Lup glared at him. “You all have a very demented definition of ‘nothing is wasted’,” she said. “My brother and I would have been grateful for even half of what she--” Lup pointed out a student throwing away three quarters of their designated meal, “--is just throwing away. And you think _mulching it_ is not wasteful? This place is insane.”

“It’s the way it works. It’s for your own safety. Everyone’s safety. I heard some of _them_ are survivors of Saint Vingo’s. Mad as march hares, all of them. Dangerous as five hells. You never know where you are with that sort.”

“Really?” said Lup, voice like a burning fuse. “You better cast Shield, bitch, because _I_ survived Saint Vingo’s. My brother and I together. Well. As together as we could _get._ ” She drank in the stunned and fearful expression on her guide’s guileless face. “And if you say anything like the words, ‘that sort’ again, you are going to experience five hells _personally._ I can make it happen.”

Calzone took a step away. “Oh… kay. I did not know that. Consider my assumptions kicked to the curb. I promise not to judge like that again.” A cleared throat. A definite blush. “Uh. Moving on. The high magic labs are just down the hill…”

 

* * *

 

 

Some areas of the campus were coated in anti-magic fields, nullifying enchantments. Cantrips could pass unheeded, though, and Taako used that to cast Minor Illusion on his own reading glasses to make them look like Lup’s. All he had to do after that was wear the uniform - provided for free - imitate her voice and take everything he could back to their little flat.

Lup told him everything from her day. Taako told her everything from his day. One would stay in the flat and study, whilst the other would go about to lessons and work their metaphorical tail off. And bring one assigned meal in a doggie bag back to their flat for the other to consume.

Not _quite_ thin rations, but less than what the administration expected them to be eating. Well. What the administration expected _Lup_ to be eating.

They did rather well for their freshman year.

And then the medical wing of the administration decided that they fit the model image of the svelte and slight stereotypical Elf and cut Lup down to half her meal tickets. And stopped insisting that she appear for checks.

Taako had been studying in their flat when he heard the news, and said what Lup had been unable to say at the time.

“Fuck. We’re _boned._ ”

 

* * *

 

 

Baggy clothes helped. Constantly wearing a hood or a scarf over their hair helped hide Taako’s stress-curls from anyone’s notice. As did the “I don’t give a shit” ponytail that was their default style. As did every strategy for conserving energy that they’d developed during their days on the run.

Conjured food may help them feel full, but it was not nutrition. It didn’t last long enough, nor was it real enough to sustain them.

Lup and Taako alike brought their designated meals to their flat with a doggie bag. Split it into democratic halves to share as they discussed the day. As they pointedly did not discuss how difficult their college lives had become.

They believed in each other. They believed they could make this work.

They believed they could do it on half rations.

And they did. For a year and a half.

 

* * *

 

 

They had worked together on the Automagic Quill of Note-Taking, as well as the Stone of Memory. They helped a lot. Especially when the exhaustion set in during the afternoon and the hunger bit them a little bit more each day.

Taako surreptitiously tightened his belt again. Not the flashy uniform one that everyone could see. The covert one he or Lup had stolen for _under_ their clothes, so that their guts wouldn’t growl and therefore give them away.

The hard part was paying enough attention so that he could dictate which notes the quill took via his thoughts.

This one was easy enough. He’d speculated about it earlier. Years -no, decades- earlier. He propped himself up and made the quill write, _P227 UJEBR LHM 2nd block of text._ Shorthand for the page, margin, and section of cramped notes that he or Lup had made in one particular tome.

“Am I boring you, Miss Chalupa?” asked Professor Kumkuatt.

Huh? Oh. She meant him. “No, no. It’s cool, homie. Lup’s got it from here.” He let his eyes shut for a little too long.

“Then you should have no trouble demonstrating this problem.”

Ugh. Fuck. No. Taako sighed and hauled himself up, cursing the fact that this was one of the very many areas that didn’t let him cast Levitate. It was going to be a bitch climbing that fucking ladder to even reach the fucking problem. Sure, he could mage-hand it, but his mage hand was fucking ugly today and he didn’t want anyone else laughing.

Well, more than normal anyway.

They were both used to Elven tittering as they lumbered about like they had ten extra pounds on each arm, and that happened again as Taako laboriously hauled himself up the rungs to the board.

“It’s pretty simple,” said Taako, explaining as he went. Struggling to stop the grey from obscuring the edges of his vision as he went through way more physical activity than he’d done in months. Fighting to enunciate despite the fact that he felt like his bones were transmuting into wet laundry.

“Are you all right, miss?” worried  Professor Kumkuatt. “You don’t look well.”

Deep breaths. One. Two. Three. “I got this. I’m fine. I--”

He didn’t even remember falling.

He had no idea how long he was unconscious, but when he woke up, he knew. He just _knew_ that they knew too. His uniform coat was under his head, his belt was loose and his guts were too vocal, and someone was easing a milky potion between his lips. It smelled like honey and milk and malt, but of course, to him, it tasted like key lime go-gurt. He drank it down anyway.

“I cast Zone of Truth,” said one of the many campus clerics.

“I rolled a one,” blurted Taako. Fuck. FUCK! They were boned, they were so boned, everything was going to go so bad. Gods, how could he fuck up this bad? How could he possibly have got this all so terribly wrong? “Oh Gods, we’re so boned…”

They were going to go to jail. Again. They were going to be hanged. They were going to get parts of them chopped off _before_ they were hanged. Oh gods. He’d killed Lup.

He’d just killed Lup.

“Calm Emotion.”

Hysteria faded, as did the tunnel that was threatening to take the world away from him again. He was limp in the arms of one of the College porters. Completely relaxed and feeling safe. Which was a big deal for him.

“There now,” said the cleric. Professor Kumkuatt urged other students away from the scene. “What did you mean when you said that you’ve killed yourself?”

“...fucked up,” mumbled Taako. “E’ryone knows now… ‘s not jus’ her. ‘S her ‘n’ me… We’re gonna get hanged… I killed her… kill’d m’ sister…” a mouse of a sob. Somewhere on the other side of the pink fuzziness of Calm Emotion, Taako was screaming about this. “I kill’d Lup.”

“You _are_ Lup.”

“No, m’ name’s Taako. Lup’s here t’morrow.”

 

* * *

 

 

Lup didn’t fight when the porters came and -not unkindly- dragged her to the dean’s office. She just didn’t have the energy. She knew something was up. Something had to be up for _anyone_ to come to their flat when either of them were out being her.

And then she saw Taako in her uniform. Held up by two burly porters. Openly sobbing apologies to her in their shared language.

Oh shit.

They’d found out.

And of course Taako had leapfrogged to the worst possible consequence from a standing start. Which meant that he was dreading dismemberment and hanging for their thievery. Or what might technically be thievery if it could be proven that they had stolen anything.

But all the same, she spent what little energy she had on rushing to comfort him as the porters left the room. Whispering platitudes into one ear and trying to soothe his terrified heart.

This was it.

This was where they lost everything they had.

This was where they would be lucky to escape with their lives.

“ _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…_ ” Taako wailed in _Us._ “ _I’m so sorry, Lup. I tried so hard but I couldn’t... they know everything._ ”

She shushed him. “ _We’re not dead yet, Koko. Breathe. We’re not dead yet._ ” It was the most reassurance she could give, given the circumstances.

Dean Augratin watched all of this with a perplexed expression. As Lup continually failed to get Taako to calm the fuck down, he toured his desk to say a few words to one of the porters outside.

Taako had just about cried himself out when the food carts came. The twins goggled in amazement as Dean Augratin sat the two of them in the window seat and set up the table with a large spread meant for two. He sat opposite with a cup of tea and bade them, “Eat your fill.”

They shared everything, of course. Despite being given two identical servings, they fed each other in eerie synchronisation. Passed each other things without a word.

And kept staring at him in utter terror of what might happen next.

“As far as I understand things,” he said when they at least slowed down. “You have accomplished quite a feat. Maintaining some of the highest marks known to the college's history. Studying twice the usual subject load, though now I understand it… and keeping up with all of it on half rations. Frankly, I’m shocked you both lasted this long.”

“We survived Saint Vingo’s,” said Lup.

“We can survive just about anything,” added Taako. “Except hanging. Or beheading.”

“Koko, cool it,” chided Lup. “We’re not dead yet.”

“Indeed,” said Dean Augratin. “And, I should hope, not for a long time yet.”

 

* * *

 

 

The twins clung to each other as Dean Augratin spelled out the details of the new arrangement. “Considering what you’ve been doing regularly for two and a half years, we cannot leave such obvious talent to go to waste.”

“Your budget,” said Taako. “The college couldn’t afford both of us.”

“The college can’t afford to let the prestige inherent in both your brilliant minds go anywhere else. You’ve independently come up with such innovations… years ahead of where your studies are. All to keep us unaware that there were two of you? Imagine what you could do when you don’t have the restrictions thrust upon you. We expect wonderful things from the two of you.”

They looked at each other. “And the grant?”

“Lup will continue to benefit from the grant, of course. As for Taako…” Dean Augratin consulted a series of pages.

The twins held their breath. Gripped tight to each other.

“Everyone who has had the pleasure of teaching you has contributed to… let’s call it a new grant. Given, of course, that you explain one thing that all your professors have seen on your notes.”

Another mutual Look. Lup nodded for Taako. Giving the all clear. “...kay?” he allowed.

“What the hell,” said Dean Augratin, “Is U-J-E-B-R?”

Laughter bubbled out of him. He couldn’t help it. They wouldn’t like it. “It’s my tome. Our tome, really.”

“Uncle Jon’s Elven Bathroom Reader,” Lup supplied. “We’ve been carrying our copy around since…” she gave a low whistle.

“Twelve,” said Taako. “Nice wide margins. Great for notes.” He summoned it into his lap. It was a battered old tome and leaked bookmarks. “Half of the stuff we’re studying is shit we already found or figured out.”

He was fine with showing them. Nobody else could read it anyway.

It was the one thing that they had kept through all their trials and tribulations. He had even figured out multidimensional storage that would follow them around just to keep it safe. In librarian parlance, it was not merely slightly foxed. It was badgered, wolverined, beared and very possibly dinosaured. It had been through just as much as they had.

Dean Augratin considered the tiny writing in the margins. “Academia will pay you very handsomely for each and every paper that comes out of the margins of this book,” he said.

Taako looked to his sister, who made a very economical  _go for it_ gesture.

“Even the recipes?” he said.

 

END!


End file.
